50% Orphan

My brain is a hodge podge of muddled, varied, inconsistent and confused deliberation. I always knew how to manipulate myself into philosophizing that someday this would be resolved in a rather harmonious and triumphant fashion while remaining steadfast and resolute in comprehending that I was going to be the "winner" of this (mostly internal) battle. Truth is, no one wins this shit. We both lost. Nothing destroys a man more than lies and broken commitments. Boys need their fathers to encourage them to dream ginormous dreams. I needed you to share with me what's special about where you were from and what made you who you were! I needed you to show me how to have functional relationships with other male role models! I was supposed to take my cues from you. I needed you to tell me how to deal with anger and bad feelings. Who was there to see me wrestle? Who taught me how to tie a tie? I needed you to show me how to build, repair and maintain things! Who taught me to pick up a hammer and nail and fix things that MEN are supposed to be able to fix because throughout the annals of history it's what we have always done. We fix things! We're FIXERS! The answer to those questions above... Not you. I'm broken. I'm fifty percent orphan. The other half of me though... is rather amazing.